At the Theatre: To the Lady Behind Me -- A P Herbert

Guest poem sent in by Jeff Berndt

(Poem #732) At the Theatre: To the Lady Behind Me Dear Madam, you have seen this play; I never saw it till today. You know the details of the plot, But, let me tell you, I do not. The author seeks to keep from me The murderer's identity, And you are not a friend of his If you keep shouting who it is. The actors in their funny way Have several funny things to say, But they do not amuse me more If you have said them just before; The merit of the drama lies, I understand, in some surprise; But the surprise must now be small Since you have just foretold it all. The lady you have brought with you Is, I infer, a half-wit too, But I can understand the piece Without assistance from your niece. In short, foul woman, it would suit Me just as well if you were mute; In fact, to make my meaning plain, I trust you will not speak again. And---may I add one human touch?--- Don't breathe upon my neck so much. -- A P Herbert

Once upon a time you sent the Deep Sorriness Atonement Song ("They're all
sorry, very sorry, but I'm sorrier by far") and commented that poetry _can_
be useful.  I first read this poem in ninth grade.  We didn't study it.  I
was bored and was paging ahead in our literature book.  I had it
half-memorized once upon a time, mostly because it's funny.  Then, years
later, I became involved in community theater. This poem should be printed
on the inside cover of every program handed out to every person who ever
goes to a live theater production.  My only complaint is that it doesn't
mention pagers and cell phones, which did not exist in A P Herbert's time.

Info on A.P.Herbert:

From Simpson's Contemporary Quotations:
  A P Herbert, Member of British Parliament
  QUOTATION: I am sure that the party system is right
  and necessary. there must be some scum.
  Wrote a series for Punch! Magazine called 'Misleading
  Cases'  Here's a link: http://www.kmoser.com/herbert/
  Also wrote a book called 'The Water Gypsies'

Here's his entry in Factmonster.com:
  Herbert, A. P. (Sir Alan Patrick Herbert), 1890-1971,
  English author and member of Parliament. He was a
  regular contributor to the comic magazine Punch from
  1910 until his death. Herbert served in Parliament
  from 1935 until 1950 as a representative for Oxford
  Univ. and was largely responsible for the bill (1937)
  liberalizing English divorce law. His numerous books
  include The House by the River (1921), The Water
  Gipsies (1930), and The Singing Swan (1968). He was
  knighted in 1945.

- JKB

[Martin adds]

We've had, over the years, a number of letters from readers, expressing
their delight at rediscovering poems whose half-remembered fragments had
been haunting them. Well, the cosmic balance has been restored somewhat -
today's poem is one I read once, some ten years ago, and have been trying to
relocate ever since (helped not at all by the fact that I only remembered
the opening four lines). Many thanks to Jeff, with whose comments I agree
fully.

Links:

The aforementioned 'Deep Sorriness Atonement Song' can be found at poem #602

m.